6 years ago

News from me!

What a whirlwind of a month it has been since Christmas!

My family and I have suffered the sudden loss of a beloved aunt, prayed for a successful surgery for my cousin who is suffering from Osteosarcoma (it was a successful Tibia Turn-Up Plasty!!!), my youngest boy, Emmett, fell down an entire flight of stairs and miraculously only had a scratch on his nose and minor bruising.

And in the midst of all of this, Craig and I discovered that we are pregnant!!!

We’ve been praying for and trying for pregnancy since November- and this being the first time that we actually are TRYING for a baby, it’s extremely exciting!

However, I experienced some intensely sharp pains and some bleeding so I went to my OBGYN for an ultrasound.
At 4.5 weeks prego, I didn’t expect to see much, and was confused when I saw two circles show up on the screen.
TWINS?!

My OB said there’s a possibility of the second little human “diminishing” as he put it. I have since learned that this is called vanishing twin syndrome. But since the ultrasound was conducted so early and my OB is still very unsure, I’m going back for another at 8 weeks to get a more conclusive answer.
So wow! I’ve never really considered this scenario before! The multiples gene does run in my mother’s blood, and I have also learned that it is in fact from the mother that twins are created. I always believed it was the father’s family that increased the probability of multiples. But I read that it’s the woman’s egg that either is released twice, or splits into two, and the sperm has no influence. Ahh the things I never knew…

Anyway, so we announced the pregnancy and asked for prayers for the complications on my Facebook page. Of course my friends and my mom’s & in-law’s family replied in support, immediately.

But who i haven’t heard from are some of the family I grew up with and felt closest to. Nothing.

I suppose it’s best to follow the golden rule “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” but why on earth wouldn’t anyone have anything nice to say about this? Even if this situation brings more stress to me, or less sleep, or an expensive, 8 passenger car that we haven’t saved enough for, how can someone not find SOMETHING out of the goodness of their heart to say in encouragement?

I mean, even, “my thoughts are with you” being the most ambiguous, unemotional form of support someone could offer is better than silence.

Silence says: I DO NOT SUPPORT YOU. I DO NOT LOVE YOU.

Thanks. I’ll remember that. Forever.

Here’s my problem with many people who claim to be pro-choice or even not in support of abortion, but they can’t take a side because “you never know what is really going on in that person’s life”:

You support which choice? The one to kill? Because I don’t see a “pro-choicer” applauding the mother who freely chooses to have another baby.
I’ve chosen life —I’ve chosen it! It’s done! The day I married my husband, we publicly professed to God and family that we had full intent to be fruitful and MULTIPLY!

So how can anyone be surprised that I’m “pregnant againnnn”. And does it matter to anyone that perhaps I WANT TO BE?!

You know, I’m too old to be Mrs. Duggar. Unless I have multiples each pregnancy, every time I’m actually fertile (which is about 2+ years from the time I become pregnant), until I’m 40, I cannot even come close to having “18, 19, or 20 kids and counting” it’s not biologically possible for me. I’ll be 28 this year.
And even if I could have 10+ kids, what does it matter to anyone if I am capable of loving each one?

Don’t tell me I can’t love each one equally or pay enough attention to them, cause that is a load of BS. I have seen larger families filled with more love than the love I am receiving from my current small family. It’s all to do with Grace. I’ll ask for it forever, and it will be given to me.

It’s going to be an awesome challenge. I am an athlete, an artist, a multi-linguist. I’ve had losses and triumphs.
My Grandmother-in-law told Craig, “if my mother raised twins in Appalachia, down in a holler, by herself, you can do it too!”
I know I can. What other challenge is more worthy for me? Nothing that I want!

Can my family not trust that I am happy? Can my silent family not be happy that I am happy?

With all the worries that even encompass bringing one child into our world, do you actually believe that I -I OF ALL PEOPLE, THE MOTHER- do not feel the weight of this challenge? …and that I accept it with joy!?

Ah. Sorry for the drama. I have tried to write as unemotionally charged as possible since my last grand offensive writing post nearly 3 years ago. I’ve tried to write with love and compassion. I still do write with love, but in my defense this time. I feel I need to speak up for myself- and for my sister, who had also received silence, and worse from FAMILY when talking about growing her own family. How shameful.

Why? Why can’t family share in joy for a new person to love? Why is the news of love wrought with near-like woe from this side of the family?

What if I, instead of marrying and having children, decided to enlist in the military, decided to fight overseas? What if I felt called to be a religious, a nun? What if I decided I preferred to be gay? What if I decided I wanted to do anything other that what everyone perceives to be comfortable and normal? Would you not love me? Would you not offer your words of support in my personhood to me?

What a shame that someone can be so cold to their “loved” ones when their family members choose a different path!

So much for “choice”

I am not hurt. Really, I’m not. Not for myself any way. I’m a pretty self-sufficient individual who doesn’t need affirmation of love very often. But I am not everyone! My brother and sister are not like me! My cousins are not either! We have all chosen different paths, and I have watched as each decision is countered with a heavy sigh of disappointment with their choice to follow their dream.

As I used to say as a toddler (so my mom tells me):

FOR SHAME.

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